Two points for common sense.
From there the plan fell apart. First, abducted? Hello? They call the cops for that.
Just text his cell next time. Something like "U'r a l0s3r, it's 2 sm4ll 4 me!!!! " Trust me, he would let you leave and probably burn all of your stuff, too. You gotta think this through. If you would have tripped during your escape, bumped your head and slid in a coma, he'd "Terri Schiavo" you in a heartbeat because you couldn't find the guts to say," I'm thinking about going lesbian or becoming a nun, this isn't going to work." We're men, sweety, we're not subtle. That guy even less so.
Of course now it's too late for all of that because the police have to make the embarrassment of being the gutless runner that much worse. They are going to try to tag you with a false police report. Sure Clinton can lie under oath, Reagan couldn't recall and Ollie North was immune, but you are screwed. See, some cops like police work, but most want to have as little paperwork as possible. Abduction = overtime + interviewing people + forensic work done by people who hate CSI + media announcement = loads of paperwork for a guy who probably types in the fluid "search and destroy" technique. Your were doomed from the time they found you.
However, since I'm sympathetic I'm going to offer you a few PR hints.
- Clean up, quit holding that sweater over your face. You need to get the "I'm a strong woman" look going. It will make the "nut job feminist politi-bots" start talking about how you "threw off the oppression of the male dominated domestic rape role." Don't ever agree with it directly, just look at them like you're on their side without showing any approval. Of course, if you do show approval then the "housewives" group of feminine culture will have your head decorating a spike in front of the community gates by sundown.
- Get a haircut, wear a crystal and hire a therapist to do all your talking for you. Even better if it's a guy and he has a German accent. Never talk about your feelings, defer all questions to him because the "trauma is just too near." Bonus points if he has the name :Hans or Sigmund.
- Apologize in front of the media in under 30 seconds and then break down in tears. Half of America could probably forgive about anyone that asked to be forgiven then cried and the rest of us just want to change the channel and catch the 5th inning.
- Do a nude pictorial for Playboy because now you're "liberated within your sexuality" and the extra cash won't hurt if they bill you for the cost of the manhunt. Besides, Hugh won't turn you in if you hide in the grotto because "what happens in the grotto stays in the grotto." Of course, they said the same about Vegas.
