NeoCon Update: A Christmas tale

In accordance with the prophecy: "It was written that a leader of great wisdom will come to lead us all. He will act not in his own will but use the gifts of those around to shape the world without revolution. Governments will not fall, people will not see justice but much money will be made by using the powers of sex, alcohol and hockey. He will not slay the dragon of evil but he will claim the virgin after drinking the dragon under the table and discussing the greatness of Bobby Orr." So it was Written and so it is told. When the Great Prophets of the NeoCon movement, Sid and Marty Kroft, foresaw my birth they were overjoyed. The chosen leader was coming. However they were suddenly vexed by one issue: How to spread the news? Could the masses handle it? Why did the 70's have such frightening hairstyles? In the end, they resolved that the media of the chosen one must be television. However, the flamingo forces that would seek to destroy the chosen one would grab such a tale and kill the baby for sure. Woe. Curses and Woe. So they devised a plan. They would disguise the coming of the chosen in a allegorical story. As such, the invention of "H.R. Puffinstuff" was given to the masses. The great one was symbolized as "Freddie" the talking flute. Never directly influencing the world around him, he guided the shots from behind the scenes. Always wise and in the vicinity of trouble, yet never in trouble himself, he used Jimmy and the Puffinstuff to do his bidding. The flute also alluded to the Pied Piper and marijuana which share the similar influence. While the original idea was for it to also be a phallic representation they ditched the idea after the studio pointed out that a magic oboe was hard for the actor to tote around. With the foretelling of the great one secured they simply sat back and watched the TV money roll in, drank beer and watched hockey. Of course the signs of my coming are as old as time. For example, look at this illuminated painting. Disguised as St. George Slaying the Dragon, it tells of all the signs of my reign. 1. The virgin stays dutifully near and scantily clad. (Note to self: Me need more scantily virgin-ish cladness going on around this shadow government.) 2. I am clearly focused on the Beer and the Hockey and the greatness of both of these things. While the virgin and the dragon are cool and all, they aren't beer and hockey. 3. In a tricky move, the horse represents "horses", who know "who da man is" because I'll beat that horse's ass if he gives me a reason. I hate horses because they are related to Flamingoes. Horse Hater, yeah, that was me. 4. The Dragon, who is just freakin wasted, is in obvious wonder on how I can do such poetry with a hockey stick. Once more, he's scared and mostly drunk but it's ok because we're down like that. 5. Mini-me, just for kicks. 6. The Lord shows his approval of me by giving me the divine insight of "the shocker." Why is "the shocker" in quotes, or divine for that matter? Find a woman who has received "the shocker" and she'll tell you. In fact, I was made Patron Saint of the Shocker for my part in bringing "the shocker" to the dragon rescued virgin. 7. They X-rayed the picture and found this: It's Hebrew for: Who is the man that would risk his neck For his brother man? ROB! Can you dig it? Who's the cat that won't cop out When there's danger all about? ROB! Right On! They say this cat Rob is a bad mother.... SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I'm talkin' 'bout Rob. THEN WE CAN DIG IT! He's a complicated man But no one understands him but his woman Rob B! Of course, Isaac Hayes stole that and made a load of money off it. However, as a disciple of mine I don't care because he respects the Beer and the Hockey. What does this have to do with Christmas? Well, I'm getting to that. Another part of the prophecy states: "In His 32 birth year, he shall receive the holy items of his adversaries as their temples lie in ruins under the black scorched earth of their homeland. He shall be given these relics and they will give him much mirth and bemusement. However, the gift will come to him by way of a Democrat, so as to cause even more bemusement and the urge to send a "W" sticker to the Democrat in return." So, with no further ado, I present the "Flamingo Holy Relics of Power From the Pink Temple of South Beach" as presented to me by My Aunt Que'. With this I announce that "The Flamingo Wars have ended." We have sacked their cities, burned their homes, shaved their feathers and Cullen has raped their fields and pillaged their women. In short, we have had total victory. However, we are not down sizing our troops as the Yard Gnomes are now seeking access to Internet power, supposedly for peaceful purposes. This we cannot allow. I have received credible intel that the Gnomes have attempted to purchase wireless Ethernets from Radio Shack. We must strike now. So, Sound out the drums and break out the ammo and booze, boys! We're going back to war!